Share the Gospel Through Really Bad Art??? OK!

So God must have been hearing the very depths of my heart, I mean, the very very depths of my heart to share the gospel that day, because it was 8 am, made it just in time for class, physically there but still mentally getting out of bed, bemoaning the fact that I had to sit in that lecture hall for 8 hours that day when I heard my name called loud and clear over the morning rustle. "Julie... Julie!" What? No... surely no. "Julie, come down!" Twenty new eyes focus around me and I realize with utter fear that I am the only person in that room of 70 people who's name is anything close to Julie. I slowly rise from my chair and immediately start panicking about if I had brushed my teeth that morning, why I decided to wear this outfit, what if my typical morning frog jumps out and I can't find words. There is nothing "morning person" about me!

Ok, so you're all probably thinking this is some bad dream, right? Right??? NO! I am being completely and utterly honest! And so the story continues...

Everyone around me is now making comments like, Oh Julie, what have you done? It was my second time to even come to this class, not that much damage could have been done, truly?! So I walk down to the front and a very eery silence takes place, the professor smiling at me and my class all eyes and ears to what happens next. And with that she turns on the projector and says ok, tell us your story.

Ok, stop there again! Rewind to one week previous when once again we sit in this 8am class to be given sheets of paper and pencils and told that as nurses we need to have a framework that we operate and work by and so lets start by drawing what our own life's framework looks like. Be creative they say, think about what and who makes you who you are and draw something that represents what makes you, you! Ha! If you know anything about me or anybody in my family for that matter, you'll immediately be very afraid because none of us were graciously given any artistic talent, whatsoever. But I didn't seem to care that morning because this was my little drawing, my 8 am drawing, and so I naturally began drawing mountains. They're pretty, easy triangles to draw, and I thought to myself, that's basically my life, a serious of mountains and valleys and you could argue what were the better parts of those journeys. So I doodled for a while and I was thinking to myself it's one of those things we turn in and get to look at when we graduate and snicker at all our big life goals and bad attempts at abstract art!

Ok, you can fast forward to me panicking on stage again. Here I am, facing my class of 70 students, a few professors, and all of a sudden I see with utter horror, my little doodle drawing, up on the big white screen in the big lecture hall. I was stunned, mortified, and even more traumatized when my "sweet" professor told me to explain myself and this picture. What was I thinking?! I don't even remember half the deep thoughts or reasons for my weird picture now, especially when I'm standing in the bright lights. And so I stumbled for words, said a few wows, laughed a little, and proceeded to say something, anything, to break the silence. I tried to at least explain why I chose to draw a bunch of mountains given my background of growing up in them in Montana, but then I got to go much further as I saw and remembered what I had written. At the base camp, the base trail that ran the low lines of the mount, was written, My Faith in Christ, and above the mountains written in bold was, My Joy in Christ. And each mountain held momentous and influential events and people that have formed me. And so I basically got to share my testimony and talk briefly about the God I live for, the people and trials that have shaped me and the joy I live with today. It all seemed trite and I really didn't want to sound preachy and I really really didn't want to sound one bit ashamed either. And so I ended in much more peace than when I walked down those stairs and laughed and smiled at God's sense of humor. So I have absolutely no idea what if any difference that will make on my journey through this program, but I'm so grateful I got to be so upfront and in many ways, my actions will be watched and looked upon. My love, my demeanor, my life is a reflection and I guess God wanted there to be no mistake who it was a reflection of.

And there be my most embarrassing story of the week, hopefully the month! Still blushing that my "art" display was so ashamedly exposed, but so thankful I got to share a little of my story to my cohort this early on our journey.

More thoughts soon...

Love Jules

Reflections on the "New Girl"

So I've often tried to analyze myself, ask others, and reflect on why I don't appreciate transitions all that much. Not that I am the only one or even probably a minority, but what is so upsetting about moving, starting new adventures, going to new jobs and new schools? Should be a pretty exciting and happy thing, right? Some do thrive on these things so maybe this note is not for you. But I realized that I sincerely love to know others and to be known by them. I love relationships, the giving and receiving and beauty that comes from old friends. These are all uprooted when I move. But my challenge is to not recoil from the new beginnings, but try even harder to be present in my new place and live fully where I've been called.

On that note, the answer to how is my transition to Durham and Duke going?? Aghh!! That's about it. It's new and scary and exciting and really sweet.

The really sweet things: I live in downtown old Durham and I love that I have already discovered that I can walk to my local grocery, the one stop mail shop, the trusted mechanic (yes, my car broke down first day of classes and yes, I once again let go of my cling to money and my pride in how good I was doing with my thriftiness), great coffee shops, and several great neighbors all within a few blocks! I'm still thanking the Lord for this gift of an amazing nursing program to be a part of. And I'm so thankful for my sweet friend Elizabeth and so many other people who've been at my side in this transition, making meals, moving furniture, and giving me the inside scoop about how to live well here.

The challenges: Looks like this program is pretty intense and my body is still adjusting to a busy life. Although I've healed remarkably, I am exhausted after a full day and yes, sometimes I've even questioned if my strength will hold out. But in the next moment I remember that I did barely anything this last year on my own strength and God will continue to remind me of that when I've reached my end. Duke is great, but they expect a lot. Durham is so fun, but it's far away from many beloved friends and family.

If you want to know how to pray please ask the Lord to continue to remind me of His sovereignty and strength as I get weary and overwhelmed, and that I would seek the places and people He would have me invest in. I am quick to despair and quick to retreat. Please ask the Lord with me to change those habits.

I really love hearing little snippets from any of you that have time so please please keep me posted! And may the peace and love of Christ dwell in you richly as we start this new year!

Love Jules

My Year of Triumph

The irony of this title is astounding. I could have never guessed if you asked me even 7 months into it how I would label this previous year, but any synonym related to triumph certainly wouldn’t have made the list. To be honest, I questioned and wrestled and cried more “why’s” this year to God than I have in a long time. And to the world’s standards, I had failed, in many tangible ways. I didn’t understand why I was reaping all these consequences after what I thought was a very close walking and talking period with God. I was a Job, sitting in my pity, crying out to God for some sort of answers. Ah, it gives me fresh tears every time I write or think about this because He must have hurt so terribly for his young child that couldn’t possibly understand what He was doing. As I told those around me, I knew with my head that He was still sovereign but all my feelings and all my reality seemed to tell me otherwise. And that is why, as I mentioned earlier, that my prayer this last year was a continual fervent cry to be able to taste and see that He was indeed, still good. And oh, how abundantly did He answer my cries for mercy.

But I want to first say that it’s not just or even because of changing circumstances that I was able to see this year so rich and beautiful. God did more of a work in my heart and after a very long time, I started to learn how it was to possible to give thanks in the dark days. God is not worried, startled, or surprised by our circumstances. He knows them, understands them and still wants our praise. How? For what? This simple mind didn’t get that for a while. But the longer I searched, the more I found that, as I was searching, the more the scales from my eyes were slowly being lifted. I started seeing each day so differently. I no longer compared myself to anybody’s standard’s but Christ’s, which is also pretty daunting but ever so freeing. I no longer saw my day as successful if I had accomplished x, y, or z and maybe all those other like-to’s as well. Especially in college, if you’re not learning something amazing, getting a lot of homework done, or having some great conversation or party, that day was usually pretty lousy. It’s a blessing and a curse of our culture I guess. They’re all pretty great things but none of them decide how worthy we are of Christ or how much we can praise Him that day. And so some of my most contented days became my “time warp” period as I call it, the months I had no job or school but purely preparing for and then recuperating from surgery. I was able to spend however many hours I wanted to read, write and sometimes talk out my many struggles with my faith. But I don’t mean to paint an unreal picture and say it was all fun and relaxing. These were some of my hardest moments, dealing with very real fears related to where my future was headed, my quickly declining health, and strong bouts of loneliness. But I clung tightly to hope each day, to choose joy, to see each day as another sacrifice of praise.

And that is simply why I can say with confidence that I had a great year of triumph. I have come to know God in such a profoundly more intimate way; I could never ask Him to erase all those crummy circumstances. But isn’t it amazing how I got to move to Indiana and live with a best friend?! And isn’t it amazing how I found the most sweetest churches so quickly to be fed and encouraged by?! And isn’t it amazing how when my body finally decided it had enough I was in just the right place, with the perfect doctors and friends to take care of me?! And isn’t it amazing how God orchestrated it to be at just the right hospital where they would erase my massive bill?! And isn't it amazing how I got into one of the best nursing programs in the States?! And isn’t it amazing that after only 12 months in Indiana I left with more dear friends than I think I made in the past 3 years combined?! Isn’t God amazing?! I could not let this year go by without letting you in to this incredible journey and letting you thank the Lord with me, for His unrelenting faithfulness and goodness.

Oh, and as a small side note- a quick update on my last appointment with my surgeon. It was truly bittersweet. So sweet, he let me go free. Free to go about life again as normal, with my usual restrictions with physical activities due to my fragile spine. So sweet that my fusion is working, it’s healing so well and I got a lot of function back that I was losing. I didn’t allow myself to think about what was happening to me before surgery but he let me know how much trouble I could have been in and in what a great state I really am in now! The harder things to swallow was to understand that my arms might just be this way. It’s manageable, just not how I would have liked it to heal. And again hard to see my x-rays and discuss how this was only the beginning of surgeries. As I made a joking remark about how I’d be all fused by the time I was 50 he very seriously told me I’d be very lucky to make it to 50. Oh, I said, well good to know. And so he sent me off and said, you’re free to go! And I replied, Well great, thank you, and I guess I’ll go move on with my life! And that was our farewell. But the great news is I haven’t felt this strong in over a year and I’ve been given a sweet gift of a full life again.

Ok, more to come. I’ll let you know how first days at Duke has been soon and all my fun first beginnings here in Durham! Thank you all for your continued prayer and encouragement. I am truly blessed by so many of you.

Love Julie

I'm sitting in awe

Hi dear friends,

I write to tell you this for one reason only; God's grace has been given so evidently and I know so many of you have been large contributors in prayer with me in this and I simply long to show His glory. Well, I do every day, but more on that later. So I just got home from a little trip to find a letter. It's one of those "change your life" letters and in it, in two simple sentences, the hospital where I had my surgery told me that they have "adjusted my bill to zero" and I owe them nothing. I feel speechless for much words except to say that I am praising the Lord with so much joy tonight. I did not deserve this. I owed my fair share, but my slate has been completely erased and I cannot but think of how this fits into the greater gospel story.

So thank you all so so much for all your prayers and encouragement. I absolutely could not have made it through this alone and I'm amazed at how this year has ended so well. I cannot lie and say that only a few months ago just about everything in life was looking pretty dim. I had no school, no job, no health insurance and my health was degrading quickly. But by God's sufficient grace I sustained an added 6 month health insurance policy, got into an incredible nursing program, and found a great surgeon who has fixed my neck and left me in better condition than I've been in a long time. Some have suggested I could have had much reason for a lot of deserved self-pity recently, but I cannot begin to see with such eyes when I have been given so much. I am so grateful for the faith God's granted me to trust His goodness, dark days or bright.

I do continue to ask you to continue to pray for complete healing of my nerve function, my transition to Duke and even the dealings I have to figure out with the smaller bills still coming in. But in all of this too, I am fully confident that He will continue to show His glory, good health or not, debt or none.

Love Julie

My Friend "Ned"

Sorry for the delayed update! I've decided that time is very weird when you're in the long process of recovery, or any long period of down time for that matter. When all of sudden all structure, routine, and normal feelings of energy and wellness are taken away, it's like time goes into a warp and your days somehow fill and your schedule somehow remains fairly deplete. All that to say, I'm in that warp, but I'll share a little how this time has been spent.

So I'm very grateful to say that I've gained a lot more strength than I had pre-surgery and my pain is so much better. I was experiencing all sorts of symptoms including my legs starting to give out on me again like they did way back when (10 years to be exact!). So now I've got all the strength back in my legs and my left arm again... still hoping and praying that the right arm eventually does the same thing. Yes, I'm right handed, and yes, I've tried switching that multiple times, but it's just not natural or comfortable for my brain! And so I continue to hope and try to remain patient in the waiting. (I was forewarned that it could take a while but for some reason I always think I'm going to beat the odds!) And I'm also hoping that my friend, Ned, will leave soon too! That's what my friends and I named the nodule that sits in my throat every day and makes things difficult to talk and my throat sore and hard to swallow. I've moved on from soft foods but I'm not sure that I should have considering how many times I'm choking on my food every day. Medically they call this side-effect, sore throat and dysphagia, but practically, it just means you have a long term cold and you chew your food REALLY well. Some people get their stomachs stapled and others just get spine fusions I guess.

But apart from all my complaints, I must remain grateful. For the first time, we were able to DO something to fix all my issues and I think this was such a great decision. I'm finally able to dream about my future without so much anxiety about how my body will hold up. I am so excited to go back to school soon. January 5th is my first day! I'm working on finalizing housing and school requirements to make the big move to Durham, NC. People often ask me if I'm nervous about the rigorous program at Duke, but I'm honestly more afraid of the culture shock and transition to moving to the South more than anything! I consider myself a good traveler, somewhat of a third-culture kid, and pretty good at adapting in new places, but for some reason I'm more nervous about this one. Kinda funny, I know.

Well if any of my friends have to go through a long period of down time for whatever reason, I would love to tell you how to enjoy your time warp! I've enjoyed everything from reading some of those books on my big list, writing, great walks in this fall season, trying new recipes, and great time spent with friends who've been so gracious to come visit. I've never been good at relaxing well without guilt pains, but I'm really in the process of learning how to live contentedly with or without a schedule to run your day. Although I think I'll have to put myself through a bootcamp to transition back into the life of schedules, school and studying!

Thank you all for all your sweet encouragements and immense amount of prayer in this time. Please continue to pray for full healing, for the financial aid that is pending on my bills, and for continued peace amongst so many things out of my control.

Grace and peace to each of you!

And he said, "It Is Good!"

That is what my surgeon was able to say after my incredible surgery. It went very well. At least, that's what I heard he said as I was still out cold in those moments after he finished. But those were some of the first words I remember my dear brother trying to tell me as he desperately tried to wake me up. Apparently drugs have quite the strong affect on me, so come 2 hrs. post-op, I was still fast asleep, apart from the brief moments waking in pain and crying to my dear nurse for help. So Jeff finally grabbed my hand and started whispering sweet encouragements to me, trying to get some form of response. My first memory of all that is him trying to tell me he was there, I was alright, and everything went really well. And my first thought was to please go tell my parents I was ok- I made him leave for a minute to go make a call- but then I took him back to wake me again...

So all that to say, it seems the surgery was a success. Hallelujah! In fact, I was feeling stable enough by late that evening that they let my friends take me home to rest for the night. The first couple days have definitely been a bit rough including some terrible nausea. And let me tell you, vomiting for 12 consecutive hours after recent neck surgery is no fun, whatsoever. But after another trip to the hospital, they settled me down, and I've pretty much been on the mend since then. Now I just have to watch I don't get things lodged in my throat which has happened a few times. It's still pretty difficult to swallow so I'm trying to embrace the broth and smoothies and soups and accept this forced diet as a good thing. And although my voice is scratchy, I've still got one, and so I have to say I'm very grateful.

I've been so well taken care of by people near and far. In a great moment of appreciation, as a friend helped me shower today, I said to her, "Isn't this just how the church should be?! This is great!" I know my family has been very grateful for the friends that have stood in for them, but it's so nice to be able to tell them I'm recovering well. Today was my first really good day. So I pray that every day continues like this and I am up and running like a good 20-something year old should be doing in no time! All the nerve issues haven't healed yet but we all knew that it would take some time for those things to regenerate. But I did say that if I get all my function back, I might just give that surgeon a whopping kiss on the cheek for his good work!

So thank you all for your continued support and prayers. All your sweet encouragements go so far in these long days of recovery. And if any of you have any wonderfully inspiring books or such you think I'd be interested in as I settle in to cabin fever, please let me know!

Love to all,
Jules

Sweet "Muma M"/Peggy and I right before they wheeled me away...

This Day, too, the Lord Has Made!

As I wait for the sun to rise on this morning, I'm admittedly both a little anxious but profoundly at peace. I can't even imagine what people go through who have multiple surgeries with higher risks than this all the time. But the only thing that gives me peace this early morning is to remember the Lord's promises and His faithfulness thus far. He has been so good. I guess you could say God's sovereignty has a whole new perspective for me this morning. This day has been 10 years in the waiting and as I reflect on that journey, I could never have orchestrated it like He has. It's been wonderful. The road has definitely been pretty hard and for a long time I couldn't grasp God's goodness. But today my faith can cling to His promises and trust His love.

So as you pray today, please thank Him for his goodness and ask Him for His mercy. I already feel completely surrounded with love from all over the world, and so I pray this morning with so many, a great cloud of witnesses, ready to face the day.

Surgery is scheduled for 11am, eastern time. I can't wait to tell you how much better I feel after this is all over!!

May the peace of Christ be with you all today!