My Year of Triumph

The irony of this title is astounding. I could have never guessed if you asked me even 7 months into it how I would label this previous year, but any synonym related to triumph certainly wouldn’t have made the list. To be honest, I questioned and wrestled and cried more “why’s” this year to God than I have in a long time. And to the world’s standards, I had failed, in many tangible ways. I didn’t understand why I was reaping all these consequences after what I thought was a very close walking and talking period with God. I was a Job, sitting in my pity, crying out to God for some sort of answers. Ah, it gives me fresh tears every time I write or think about this because He must have hurt so terribly for his young child that couldn’t possibly understand what He was doing. As I told those around me, I knew with my head that He was still sovereign but all my feelings and all my reality seemed to tell me otherwise. And that is why, as I mentioned earlier, that my prayer this last year was a continual fervent cry to be able to taste and see that He was indeed, still good. And oh, how abundantly did He answer my cries for mercy.

But I want to first say that it’s not just or even because of changing circumstances that I was able to see this year so rich and beautiful. God did more of a work in my heart and after a very long time, I started to learn how it was to possible to give thanks in the dark days. God is not worried, startled, or surprised by our circumstances. He knows them, understands them and still wants our praise. How? For what? This simple mind didn’t get that for a while. But the longer I searched, the more I found that, as I was searching, the more the scales from my eyes were slowly being lifted. I started seeing each day so differently. I no longer compared myself to anybody’s standard’s but Christ’s, which is also pretty daunting but ever so freeing. I no longer saw my day as successful if I had accomplished x, y, or z and maybe all those other like-to’s as well. Especially in college, if you’re not learning something amazing, getting a lot of homework done, or having some great conversation or party, that day was usually pretty lousy. It’s a blessing and a curse of our culture I guess. They’re all pretty great things but none of them decide how worthy we are of Christ or how much we can praise Him that day. And so some of my most contented days became my “time warp” period as I call it, the months I had no job or school but purely preparing for and then recuperating from surgery. I was able to spend however many hours I wanted to read, write and sometimes talk out my many struggles with my faith. But I don’t mean to paint an unreal picture and say it was all fun and relaxing. These were some of my hardest moments, dealing with very real fears related to where my future was headed, my quickly declining health, and strong bouts of loneliness. But I clung tightly to hope each day, to choose joy, to see each day as another sacrifice of praise.

And that is simply why I can say with confidence that I had a great year of triumph. I have come to know God in such a profoundly more intimate way; I could never ask Him to erase all those crummy circumstances. But isn’t it amazing how I got to move to Indiana and live with a best friend?! And isn’t it amazing how I found the most sweetest churches so quickly to be fed and encouraged by?! And isn’t it amazing how when my body finally decided it had enough I was in just the right place, with the perfect doctors and friends to take care of me?! And isn’t it amazing how God orchestrated it to be at just the right hospital where they would erase my massive bill?! And isn't it amazing how I got into one of the best nursing programs in the States?! And isn’t it amazing that after only 12 months in Indiana I left with more dear friends than I think I made in the past 3 years combined?! Isn’t God amazing?! I could not let this year go by without letting you in to this incredible journey and letting you thank the Lord with me, for His unrelenting faithfulness and goodness.

Oh, and as a small side note- a quick update on my last appointment with my surgeon. It was truly bittersweet. So sweet, he let me go free. Free to go about life again as normal, with my usual restrictions with physical activities due to my fragile spine. So sweet that my fusion is working, it’s healing so well and I got a lot of function back that I was losing. I didn’t allow myself to think about what was happening to me before surgery but he let me know how much trouble I could have been in and in what a great state I really am in now! The harder things to swallow was to understand that my arms might just be this way. It’s manageable, just not how I would have liked it to heal. And again hard to see my x-rays and discuss how this was only the beginning of surgeries. As I made a joking remark about how I’d be all fused by the time I was 50 he very seriously told me I’d be very lucky to make it to 50. Oh, I said, well good to know. And so he sent me off and said, you’re free to go! And I replied, Well great, thank you, and I guess I’ll go move on with my life! And that was our farewell. But the great news is I haven’t felt this strong in over a year and I’ve been given a sweet gift of a full life again.

Ok, more to come. I’ll let you know how first days at Duke has been soon and all my fun first beginnings here in Durham! Thank you all for your continued prayer and encouragement. I am truly blessed by so many of you.

Love Julie