Well I think, no, I know, the Lord hears the prayers of His children all over the world. It has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster this last month and whenever I thought about updating everyone, I didn't quite know what to say. But the beautiful thing about it has been the perfect timing of well timed help whenever there was a new thing to overcome. Hard times are hard, but hard times must just be impossible for people who have no hope.
So I have been MRI'd (made that word up :) from head to toe and the wonderful news is my Doc says everything looks good! They were concerned that another surgery was inevitable if another level in my spine was unstable, but that surprisingly was not the case and he feels no need to do anything more at this time. I was so relieved to know I wasn't facing another surgery anytime soon. I am an awful patient when it comes to my body and drugs. The hard part about this news was the flip side. This then meant he didn't know why I had such severe leg weakness. It's just unnerving to have doctors tell you they've got no idea. He was convinced something else was going on and thought I should take a trip to the Mayo Clinic... we talked and talked and eventually decided to see a local neurologist first. But I left feeling uneasy even about that decision. I've watched several patients in this situation. Doctors warn them of all the diseases they might have and the patient continues to decline thinking they have some awful disease they'll have to live with. So I had some discussions with some of my family and we chose a different course all together. I'm taking a break. History tells our story and must always be remembered. This is not the first time I've had these problems, and though the Doc's back then couldn't "see" the problem, they finally came to the most likely conclusion to what happened to my spinal cord after my initial injury. And here I am, once again with doctors fairly confused by what they were seeing. I struggled to believe that this time around, after having a major neck surgery, that I had brain cancer... just wasn't adding up. So this patient is taking a mental health break. No more doctors and no more tests. We're going to let this body God's created do some healing on its own.
And here's the great thing. The next week after making that decision I started applying for jobs and making plans for my future. I didn't get any worse. The next week I left to go see some of my family and I felt even better. And I'm still traveling and watching my body get stronger each week. I'm not there yet, but I'm making my way. God is good. He was good in the midst of the awful weeks and He's good when I get to praise Him this week.
Many many thank you's to each of you who have prayed and encouraged me along the way. This very self-reliant, strong and independent girl had to learn some hard lessons and I've got the most amazing people helping me along the way.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Monday, August 26, 2013
An Unexpected Hurdle
I have been hesitant to write another update because of all the up's and down's in the past month. I think we really like to be able to package things up when we tell a story and give a good ending, or at least a concrete one. Well, it's been anything but that for several weeks, and right now I can't do much but pray, and ask for the same thing from my friends. Some hurdles we all knew would come and we braced for them as best we could. And then sometimes a hurdle just blindsides you...
I had finally gotten strong enough to start PT, and though I was complaining of how slow it was going and the pain I still live with, I was very happy to be given a task to help myself get stronger again. I started going on longer walks again, helping out with small tasks on the farm here, and even cooking a lot of meals! We all determined in the house that when my cooking came back it would be a great sign of progress, and it surely was. But then came the unexpected. This is where I can't tie up the package and give you final answers. I started experiencing worsening symptoms again, and my legs have steadily become pretty weak. Never really a good sign after a spine surgery. So we have done one round of MRI's and saw my doc, and though the surgery he just did technically looks good, I might have another problem on my hands. The level that I initially injured in my accident many years ago has remained stable enough until now. With my spine in the new position it is, it doesn't seem to be holding up any more. So I will undergo several more scans to confirm or deny my doc's hunch at this point. If his hunch is correct, he will be forced to go back in and fuse that level. If the scans are negative, then we have to go deep sea diving into a whole other realm of possible systemic neurological problems.
It's hard to know what to pray for given my options. And I am not going to lie, it is hard to count blessings in such a time as this. But maybe this time is the most important time to count and thank the Lord for blessings. It is a balance we all live, trying to mourn the hard things and thank the Lord for what we have. And what I do have is His love, families (yes, not just my own but several adopted ones on this side of the ocean) and communities that care for me so well. So I guess my prayer is for strength to find joy each day and not despair, and for great wisdom as the doc's and I keep searching for answers. I hope this road will just give us all even more reason for joy when I finally get to tell you about the strong and capable body I one day, Lord willing, will have again.
I had finally gotten strong enough to start PT, and though I was complaining of how slow it was going and the pain I still live with, I was very happy to be given a task to help myself get stronger again. I started going on longer walks again, helping out with small tasks on the farm here, and even cooking a lot of meals! We all determined in the house that when my cooking came back it would be a great sign of progress, and it surely was. But then came the unexpected. This is where I can't tie up the package and give you final answers. I started experiencing worsening symptoms again, and my legs have steadily become pretty weak. Never really a good sign after a spine surgery. So we have done one round of MRI's and saw my doc, and though the surgery he just did technically looks good, I might have another problem on my hands. The level that I initially injured in my accident many years ago has remained stable enough until now. With my spine in the new position it is, it doesn't seem to be holding up any more. So I will undergo several more scans to confirm or deny my doc's hunch at this point. If his hunch is correct, he will be forced to go back in and fuse that level. If the scans are negative, then we have to go deep sea diving into a whole other realm of possible systemic neurological problems.
It's hard to know what to pray for given my options. And I am not going to lie, it is hard to count blessings in such a time as this. But maybe this time is the most important time to count and thank the Lord for blessings. It is a balance we all live, trying to mourn the hard things and thank the Lord for what we have. And what I do have is His love, families (yes, not just my own but several adopted ones on this side of the ocean) and communities that care for me so well. So I guess my prayer is for strength to find joy each day and not despair, and for great wisdom as the doc's and I keep searching for answers. I hope this road will just give us all even more reason for joy when I finally get to tell you about the strong and capable body I one day, Lord willing, will have again.
Friday, July 26, 2013
I'll See You Next Week
This is how Doc and I say goodbye each week. I can't believe I'm on my 7th week. I think I mostly am in denial because I had pictured in my mind before any of this happened where I would be by the 7th week post-op, and I'm not anywhere close. Surgery is hard but recovery is long and arduous. For a girl who likes to work and use her mind, it is torture some days. But if I remember to keep life in perspective, this too will pass. I hope to be able to tell my Doc soon, see you next month!
So the update is I am getting stronger overall, but my nerve palsy in my shoulders and arms is not improving quickly enough. I keep hearing different numbers as to when I should see my strength return, this week it was 3-6 months. That was disappointing to hear but I was happy to be given permission to start taking this neck collar off once and a while to let my neck muscles start working again. So, I can happily tan in the sun without weird tan lines now and walk around the house with what feels like a very skinny neck!
The other important news we discovered from the CT scan that I had mentioned a few weeks ago is the surgery site that my Doc had opened had partially closed, which was not good news. If it fully closes we have to do it all over again but as of now, it isn't enough to do anything about, but enough to keep a close eye on. So we are continuing to pray that God would open up my vertebrae and I would fully heal one day.
I'll keep this post short. Thank you for all your encouragements and for your many prayers.
So the update is I am getting stronger overall, but my nerve palsy in my shoulders and arms is not improving quickly enough. I keep hearing different numbers as to when I should see my strength return, this week it was 3-6 months. That was disappointing to hear but I was happy to be given permission to start taking this neck collar off once and a while to let my neck muscles start working again. So, I can happily tan in the sun without weird tan lines now and walk around the house with what feels like a very skinny neck!
The other important news we discovered from the CT scan that I had mentioned a few weeks ago is the surgery site that my Doc had opened had partially closed, which was not good news. If it fully closes we have to do it all over again but as of now, it isn't enough to do anything about, but enough to keep a close eye on. So we are continuing to pray that God would open up my vertebrae and I would fully heal one day.
I'll keep this post short. Thank you for all your encouragements and for your many prayers.
Friday, July 5, 2013
3 Weeks and Counting!
I've made it 3 1/2 weeks!! What a journey...
It literally has taken an army of people to help with my recovery, but the good news is I am slowly recovering, though not without some set backs. My surgeon likes his handiwork. That's a huge answer to prayer right there. In his words, when he opened up all the vertebrae (technically speaking the laminae) in my neck, he said my spinal cord starting rising like a loaf of bread because it was so squished in there! It's a wonder why I wasn't up and jumping for joy the next day :) But obviously with everything they did in there, it was a very slow process to get me back on my feet. Surgically speaking it was a great success. Unfortunately, I am just so stinkin' sensitive to drugs that I was left just sick as ever for a few weeks. My whole medical team in the hospital were pulling out the stops to try to prevent all the side effects, but my body would not listen. But I eventually got it under control and left the hospital 3 days later. Shout out to some awesome RN's! I was very humbled and learned so much being in the bed and not beside it!
And now 3 1/2 weeks later, it seems like an eternity of time has gone by with all the hoops and mountains we have encountered. One week after surgery I was still vomiting so much that I became severely dehydrated... I won't go in to details but thank goodness my mum was watching me close and I was living in the home of a doctor! So after that drama, we took one day at a time and I progressed the next week.
Week 2, I went in for my first follow-up and my Doc was really happy with how well my arms were already improving in strength and normal nerve function! The only problem was I have had significant C5 nerve palsy since the surgery which apparently can happen after this kind of surgery. This basically means I have barely any strength in my shoulders at the moment. This is thankfully typically transient, but to speed up the process I was once again put on more drugs and once again my stomach rejected all notions.
So Week 3 was another sick week, but we all hoped the drugs would at least do their purposeful job. Unfortunately when I was back for week 3 follow-up, not only had my shoulders not improved significantly, but my R arm especially had digressed quite a bit. Doc was not impressed and slightly nervous I had undone his handiwork with all my vomiting. So I have a CT scan this coming Monday and go in for what is becoming my weekly date with my Doc on Tuesday to make sure all is as it should be in the surgical site.
This would be my prayer for the moment. That God would continue to heal my body and open my laminae so we don't have to go back and fix anything. And in the mean time, prayers for peace and joy while I try to patiently recuperate. The neck pain is still significant so trying to wean myself off of drugs while still maintaining some quality of life.
I am in this neck collar for another 3 weeks. It's a very hot neck warmer in the summer! But without it, I struggle to hold my head up for longer than a few minutes! So I'll start PT once I'm out of it to strengthen all those muscles that everyone takes for granted to hold their head up! So that being said, I'm working on slowly gaining my independence again but realistically, it's slow going. The joke around the house is they'll know I'm really better when I start making the recipes I keep suggesting "We" make!
Hope this update finds the rest of you having a wonderful summer and hopefully some well-deserved rest. I am at least getting a lot of that :)
It literally has taken an army of people to help with my recovery, but the good news is I am slowly recovering, though not without some set backs. My surgeon likes his handiwork. That's a huge answer to prayer right there. In his words, when he opened up all the vertebrae (technically speaking the laminae) in my neck, he said my spinal cord starting rising like a loaf of bread because it was so squished in there! It's a wonder why I wasn't up and jumping for joy the next day :) But obviously with everything they did in there, it was a very slow process to get me back on my feet. Surgically speaking it was a great success. Unfortunately, I am just so stinkin' sensitive to drugs that I was left just sick as ever for a few weeks. My whole medical team in the hospital were pulling out the stops to try to prevent all the side effects, but my body would not listen. But I eventually got it under control and left the hospital 3 days later. Shout out to some awesome RN's! I was very humbled and learned so much being in the bed and not beside it!
And now 3 1/2 weeks later, it seems like an eternity of time has gone by with all the hoops and mountains we have encountered. One week after surgery I was still vomiting so much that I became severely dehydrated... I won't go in to details but thank goodness my mum was watching me close and I was living in the home of a doctor! So after that drama, we took one day at a time and I progressed the next week.
Week 2, I went in for my first follow-up and my Doc was really happy with how well my arms were already improving in strength and normal nerve function! The only problem was I have had significant C5 nerve palsy since the surgery which apparently can happen after this kind of surgery. This basically means I have barely any strength in my shoulders at the moment. This is thankfully typically transient, but to speed up the process I was once again put on more drugs and once again my stomach rejected all notions.
So Week 3 was another sick week, but we all hoped the drugs would at least do their purposeful job. Unfortunately when I was back for week 3 follow-up, not only had my shoulders not improved significantly, but my R arm especially had digressed quite a bit. Doc was not impressed and slightly nervous I had undone his handiwork with all my vomiting. So I have a CT scan this coming Monday and go in for what is becoming my weekly date with my Doc on Tuesday to make sure all is as it should be in the surgical site.
This would be my prayer for the moment. That God would continue to heal my body and open my laminae so we don't have to go back and fix anything. And in the mean time, prayers for peace and joy while I try to patiently recuperate. The neck pain is still significant so trying to wean myself off of drugs while still maintaining some quality of life.
I am in this neck collar for another 3 weeks. It's a very hot neck warmer in the summer! But without it, I struggle to hold my head up for longer than a few minutes! So I'll start PT once I'm out of it to strengthen all those muscles that everyone takes for granted to hold their head up! So that being said, I'm working on slowly gaining my independence again but realistically, it's slow going. The joke around the house is they'll know I'm really better when I start making the recipes I keep suggesting "We" make!
Hope this update finds the rest of you having a wonderful summer and hopefully some well-deserved rest. I am at least getting a lot of that :)
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Pain. Hope. Share.
There's not much I can put to coincidence these days. I might even go so far as to say that coincidence is choosing not to see God's sovereign work in His kingdom. Yes, there are exceptions and no, not everything is a "sign". But if there's something that I've found to be more true than ever is the more we are walking with Lord, constantly giving Him our love and listening to His voice, the clearer I see His movement EVERYWHERE. It kinda goes along the lines of, "Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your every blessing and see what God has done." You probably can't say that line without singing it, but how many times are we actually living in 'blessing mode'. I'll give you a very good example. Tonight.
Yesterday afternoon I had epidural number two and a spinal block in a span of 4 weeks. For those not so familiar, it involves a lot of injections in the spine, with a whole lot of up-front pain in order to eventually put a stop to the chronic pain... at least that's one way of looking at it! But the point is, it's not an instant gratification and a bit of a tender recovery. But I arose today at 530am to head to work in the hospital to not finish my day until 730pm tonight. I can too easily give you a laundry list of how life has been kind of hard lately. But I could also sit for 5 minutes, and then give you an even longer laundry list of the 100 ways I was so richly blessed and shown grace after grace in just the last 2 days. He loves His children! It's not just a song, and especially not just for the kids. Yes, I'm exhausted. I hurt. And this doesn't always seem that fair. But I have so much hope. God is just the kind of God who loves to show us time and again how much He loves us and will always keep His promise. I am a child of the King. And this King will always protect His people and do what's best for them.
Coincidence. I don't believe so. I don't believe it is any coincidence that for the past 3 consecutive weeks I have been assigned a patient who's primary problem is suffering from acute or chronic pain. That all three of these patients have had so little hope left for life that they doubt the very person who wants to help them. It takes a load of pretty tough stuff in life to curse out the student nurse over the bad hospital food. How many people over the last several weeks have I heard not want to give me the whole truth in fear I won't believe their pain. That somehow I'm there to call them out and tell them they really don't hurt that bad. And how desperately I want to pour my own story out to them and say, "NO! I believe you! You don't have to lie to me and assume I have no idea!" But often I find myself just listening... and in the end it usually ends with "I'm just tired", "I just want to go home", "I'm just so overwhelmed". One can experience the worst pain, but if you have no hope left, that pain just exponentially multiplied. I know it because I've been there. But most of the time my job isn't to tell my patients my own story. It's to listen, to trust, and to share my hope with another fellow who hurts so bad. It's the least you can and should do if you have walked in their shoes at all. "Hope cannot be taught, but only shared by other hopeful people." (Thank you Prof. Butman)
So no. It is not coincidence that God is working in my everyday life. I didn't realize how much hope I had until I sat with these peers of mine. They're peers. They're so vulnerable to life's miseries when pain masks all joy and all hope. Lord help me not forget the hope I have and the love you share every single day. Evidences of your grace. May my eyes see them so much more clearly. May I never lose hope.
Yesterday afternoon I had epidural number two and a spinal block in a span of 4 weeks. For those not so familiar, it involves a lot of injections in the spine, with a whole lot of up-front pain in order to eventually put a stop to the chronic pain... at least that's one way of looking at it! But the point is, it's not an instant gratification and a bit of a tender recovery. But I arose today at 530am to head to work in the hospital to not finish my day until 730pm tonight. I can too easily give you a laundry list of how life has been kind of hard lately. But I could also sit for 5 minutes, and then give you an even longer laundry list of the 100 ways I was so richly blessed and shown grace after grace in just the last 2 days. He loves His children! It's not just a song, and especially not just for the kids. Yes, I'm exhausted. I hurt. And this doesn't always seem that fair. But I have so much hope. God is just the kind of God who loves to show us time and again how much He loves us and will always keep His promise. I am a child of the King. And this King will always protect His people and do what's best for them.
Coincidence. I don't believe so. I don't believe it is any coincidence that for the past 3 consecutive weeks I have been assigned a patient who's primary problem is suffering from acute or chronic pain. That all three of these patients have had so little hope left for life that they doubt the very person who wants to help them. It takes a load of pretty tough stuff in life to curse out the student nurse over the bad hospital food. How many people over the last several weeks have I heard not want to give me the whole truth in fear I won't believe their pain. That somehow I'm there to call them out and tell them they really don't hurt that bad. And how desperately I want to pour my own story out to them and say, "NO! I believe you! You don't have to lie to me and assume I have no idea!" But often I find myself just listening... and in the end it usually ends with "I'm just tired", "I just want to go home", "I'm just so overwhelmed". One can experience the worst pain, but if you have no hope left, that pain just exponentially multiplied. I know it because I've been there. But most of the time my job isn't to tell my patients my own story. It's to listen, to trust, and to share my hope with another fellow who hurts so bad. It's the least you can and should do if you have walked in their shoes at all. "Hope cannot be taught, but only shared by other hopeful people." (Thank you Prof. Butman)
So no. It is not coincidence that God is working in my everyday life. I didn't realize how much hope I had until I sat with these peers of mine. They're peers. They're so vulnerable to life's miseries when pain masks all joy and all hope. Lord help me not forget the hope I have and the love you share every single day. Evidences of your grace. May my eyes see them so much more clearly. May I never lose hope.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
When I'm not in control, it's a great thing.
If you talk to anyone that knew me as a young kid, they'd all be able to tell you in some fashion that there wasn't much I really feared. Life, sports, friends all came pretty easy and I embraced them all with a pretty small amount of fear that I'd fail. In fact, that attitude played itself out even in the rough years following my tubing accident on the mountain. Somehow every year I'd start working towards going back to being on the team or riding my horses again. I wasn't broken, just got stalled a little. All those threats the doctors and therapists were giving me were just scare tactics... I knew better. God. I know better.
That's what I've been sadly telling Him recently. I know what would make me happy and content and trust me Lord, this isn't it. I know better. But I've also had some rare moments where I've given it all up. I gave up figuring out how I was going to make life work and I told God, this is all yours because I can't do it. I give up. I had great fear. A feeling I wasn't too familiar with. Fear of failure? Fear of debt so deep there'd be no getting out? Fear of a small life? I'm not sure. But it was scary. To walk into a hospital and tell a surgeon he could slice my neck and a lot of worst case situations could become reality in a matter of a few hours. But we all know the end of that story and I still have some very tender moments with the Lord when He shows me how much He took care of me. How did a bill the size of a few houses get erased to zero? How did I find so many friends to sacrifice their time and money to nurse me back to health? How can I only be a few months out and have absolutely no residual pain? No, I had no control. And that was such a good thing. Yes, I was scared. More scared than I knew what to do with. But I also knew the astounding love of my Father and I knew He wasn't going to let His child go.
But our stories never end. We aren't given one big event in life and then our testimony is over. We live, we move on and we love and we suffer and we always tell the stories of God's greatness and God's love. But once again I have tried so hard to grasp life with a tight fist. It's very easy for me to see this analogy because I now have one good hand, the left non-dominant one, and one bad one, unfortunately the right, dominant one. It works to some extent but the grasp is weak, the fingers aren't real coordinated, and it often doesn't do exactly what I'd like it to do. I say it has a mind of it's own and sometimes it just hurts a lot and reminds me I've used it too much. But most of us like to grasp life like my left hand can do. With full strength and a tight grasp we power through and ask God to somehow enhance that fervor and keep up with us. But the fear has crept back in, and slowly I've switched hands again. Floods of memories have come back to me as chronic pain has become a part of my life again, and I wonder how I made it all those years. God. I'm weak, uncoordinated, and I complain a lot more as you are working my muscles of faithfulness and trust. It's not a fairy tale world and that reality can send you spiraling real quick. Why me? Why must I learn this lesson of faithfulness in the pain, over, and over and over again? And this is when He speaks very softly and replays for me the stories of His faithfulness. And you know the common theme in all those times. I grasped life like I do with my right hand. With a loose grip, but with a whole lot of determination to do things one step at a time. And He goes before us and comes around us and makes a clumsy weak vessel into something very beautiful.
I've got a new herniated disc and a whole new set of problems. But if there's one thing I know right now, this is not just my problem. I am not in control, and that is a great thing. Just five months ago I was on an operating table having given up every ounce of control and I think God wants that very same attitude today and tomorrow. I don't know how to get up in the morning with gladness of heart when I hurt so much. But I will say, again and again, His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness. And that doesn't mean I don't get to pray for healing again. It just means I get to rely on Him every step of the way.
Some day He's going to make all things new! Praise the Lord for this Holy Week to remind us all of that!
That's what I've been sadly telling Him recently. I know what would make me happy and content and trust me Lord, this isn't it. I know better. But I've also had some rare moments where I've given it all up. I gave up figuring out how I was going to make life work and I told God, this is all yours because I can't do it. I give up. I had great fear. A feeling I wasn't too familiar with. Fear of failure? Fear of debt so deep there'd be no getting out? Fear of a small life? I'm not sure. But it was scary. To walk into a hospital and tell a surgeon he could slice my neck and a lot of worst case situations could become reality in a matter of a few hours. But we all know the end of that story and I still have some very tender moments with the Lord when He shows me how much He took care of me. How did a bill the size of a few houses get erased to zero? How did I find so many friends to sacrifice their time and money to nurse me back to health? How can I only be a few months out and have absolutely no residual pain? No, I had no control. And that was such a good thing. Yes, I was scared. More scared than I knew what to do with. But I also knew the astounding love of my Father and I knew He wasn't going to let His child go.
But our stories never end. We aren't given one big event in life and then our testimony is over. We live, we move on and we love and we suffer and we always tell the stories of God's greatness and God's love. But once again I have tried so hard to grasp life with a tight fist. It's very easy for me to see this analogy because I now have one good hand, the left non-dominant one, and one bad one, unfortunately the right, dominant one. It works to some extent but the grasp is weak, the fingers aren't real coordinated, and it often doesn't do exactly what I'd like it to do. I say it has a mind of it's own and sometimes it just hurts a lot and reminds me I've used it too much. But most of us like to grasp life like my left hand can do. With full strength and a tight grasp we power through and ask God to somehow enhance that fervor and keep up with us. But the fear has crept back in, and slowly I've switched hands again. Floods of memories have come back to me as chronic pain has become a part of my life again, and I wonder how I made it all those years. God. I'm weak, uncoordinated, and I complain a lot more as you are working my muscles of faithfulness and trust. It's not a fairy tale world and that reality can send you spiraling real quick. Why me? Why must I learn this lesson of faithfulness in the pain, over, and over and over again? And this is when He speaks very softly and replays for me the stories of His faithfulness. And you know the common theme in all those times. I grasped life like I do with my right hand. With a loose grip, but with a whole lot of determination to do things one step at a time. And He goes before us and comes around us and makes a clumsy weak vessel into something very beautiful.
I've got a new herniated disc and a whole new set of problems. But if there's one thing I know right now, this is not just my problem. I am not in control, and that is a great thing. Just five months ago I was on an operating table having given up every ounce of control and I think God wants that very same attitude today and tomorrow. I don't know how to get up in the morning with gladness of heart when I hurt so much. But I will say, again and again, His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness. And that doesn't mean I don't get to pray for healing again. It just means I get to rely on Him every step of the way.
Some day He's going to make all things new! Praise the Lord for this Holy Week to remind us all of that!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Remembering Mercy
I remember Mercy Joan today. It's her birthday. And 8 days later it will be the anniversary of her death. Oh Lord in Your mercy...
So just as I am often fervently praying for my own soul during this hard transition back into life, I am reminded to also join my friends who are still healing from a harsh and painful death. It's amazing how when tragedy hits our path we are able to somehow walk our way through it... through much prayer, much support and encouragement from community, and a whole lot of resolve to reach the other side. But we get through this journey and then the really tough stuff begins. We have to somehow move forward... back, into normal life again. I can only imagine the terror of those mourning the death of someone they have so deeply loved, when they're supposed to pick themselves off the ground and move on. When all the family have left, goodbyes have been said in a thousand ways, and responsibilities face you every morning again, how do you pray and hope once more?
It is the one year anniversary of a very cherished little girl's birth today... and she was only able to be with her family for a little over a week. Little Mercy Joan, your family still grieves your absence from them. Lord in your mercy, hear their prayer. And I am once again reminded to pray for this precious family because I don't believe grieving ever really ends. They have tasted death, but I know they have also tasted His goodness and I pray He has mercy on them this week and reminds them of His compassion on their weary souls.
In a very small, tangible way I have been given understanding into this flight. As the doctor told me at my last appointment, "You're free to go." And as I replied, "Great, I'll just move on with life." I had no idea how much that was easier said than done. We can't just move on when we've been exposed, when we've been hurt so deeply and are still guarding our wounds. It's a road to travel, a valley to walk through... it's a really dark valley. And so as I pray and cry for my own healing wounds, I remember my dear friends that still feel the raw wound of death. And I thank the Lord for His mercy on them and the hundreds that were able to see Christ more fully because of their steadfastness in the Lord. I have cried a thousand times for the unfairness that I must fight this battle with my fragile body every day, but I can only imagine the cry of death screaming in your face.
Lord in Your mercy, Hear our Prayer.
"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize
with our weaknesses,
but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are,
yet without sin.
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace,
that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Heb. 4:14-16)
"In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications,
with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death,
and he was heard because of his reverence.
Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered." (Heb 5:7-8)
So just as I am often fervently praying for my own soul during this hard transition back into life, I am reminded to also join my friends who are still healing from a harsh and painful death. It's amazing how when tragedy hits our path we are able to somehow walk our way through it... through much prayer, much support and encouragement from community, and a whole lot of resolve to reach the other side. But we get through this journey and then the really tough stuff begins. We have to somehow move forward... back, into normal life again. I can only imagine the terror of those mourning the death of someone they have so deeply loved, when they're supposed to pick themselves off the ground and move on. When all the family have left, goodbyes have been said in a thousand ways, and responsibilities face you every morning again, how do you pray and hope once more?
It is the one year anniversary of a very cherished little girl's birth today... and she was only able to be with her family for a little over a week. Little Mercy Joan, your family still grieves your absence from them. Lord in your mercy, hear their prayer. And I am once again reminded to pray for this precious family because I don't believe grieving ever really ends. They have tasted death, but I know they have also tasted His goodness and I pray He has mercy on them this week and reminds them of His compassion on their weary souls.
In a very small, tangible way I have been given understanding into this flight. As the doctor told me at my last appointment, "You're free to go." And as I replied, "Great, I'll just move on with life." I had no idea how much that was easier said than done. We can't just move on when we've been exposed, when we've been hurt so deeply and are still guarding our wounds. It's a road to travel, a valley to walk through... it's a really dark valley. And so as I pray and cry for my own healing wounds, I remember my dear friends that still feel the raw wound of death. And I thank the Lord for His mercy on them and the hundreds that were able to see Christ more fully because of their steadfastness in the Lord. I have cried a thousand times for the unfairness that I must fight this battle with my fragile body every day, but I can only imagine the cry of death screaming in your face.
Lord in Your mercy, Hear our Prayer.
"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize
with our weaknesses,
but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are,
yet without sin.
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace,
that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Heb. 4:14-16)
"In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications,
with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death,
and he was heard because of his reverence.
Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered." (Heb 5:7-8)
Friday, January 27, 2012
Share the Gospel Through Really Bad Art??? OK!
So God must have been hearing the very depths of my heart, I mean, the very very depths of my heart to share the gospel that day, because it was 8 am, made it just in time for class, physically there but still mentally getting out of bed, bemoaning the fact that I had to sit in that lecture hall for 8 hours that day when I heard my name called loud and clear over the morning rustle. "Julie... Julie!" What? No... surely no. "Julie, come down!" Twenty new eyes focus around me and I realize with utter fear that I am the only person in that room of 70 people who's name is anything close to Julie. I slowly rise from my chair and immediately start panicking about if I had brushed my teeth that morning, why I decided to wear this outfit, what if my typical morning frog jumps out and I can't find words. There is nothing "morning person" about me!
Ok, so you're all probably thinking this is some bad dream, right? Right??? NO! I am being completely and utterly honest! And so the story continues...
Everyone around me is now making comments like, Oh Julie, what have you done? It was my second time to even come to this class, not that much damage could have been done, truly?! So I walk down to the front and a very eery silence takes place, the professor smiling at me and my class all eyes and ears to what happens next. And with that she turns on the projector and says ok, tell us your story.
Ok, stop there again! Rewind to one week previous when once again we sit in this 8am class to be given sheets of paper and pencils and told that as nurses we need to have a framework that we operate and work by and so lets start by drawing what our own life's framework looks like. Be creative they say, think about what and who makes you who you are and draw something that represents what makes you, you! Ha! If you know anything about me or anybody in my family for that matter, you'll immediately be very afraid because none of us were graciously given any artistic talent, whatsoever. But I didn't seem to care that morning because this was my little drawing, my 8 am drawing, and so I naturally began drawing mountains. They're pretty, easy triangles to draw, and I thought to myself, that's basically my life, a serious of mountains and valleys and you could argue what were the better parts of those journeys. So I doodled for a while and I was thinking to myself it's one of those things we turn in and get to look at when we graduate and snicker at all our big life goals and bad attempts at abstract art!
Ok, you can fast forward to me panicking on stage again. Here I am, facing my class of 70 students, a few professors, and all of a sudden I see with utter horror, my little doodle drawing, up on the big white screen in the big lecture hall. I was stunned, mortified, and even more traumatized when my "sweet" professor told me to explain myself and this picture. What was I thinking?! I don't even remember half the deep thoughts or reasons for my weird picture now, especially when I'm standing in the bright lights. And so I stumbled for words, said a few wows, laughed a little, and proceeded to say something, anything, to break the silence. I tried to at least explain why I chose to draw a bunch of mountains given my background of growing up in them in Montana, but then I got to go much further as I saw and remembered what I had written. At the base camp, the base trail that ran the low lines of the mount, was written, My Faith in Christ, and above the mountains written in bold was, My Joy in Christ. And each mountain held momentous and influential events and people that have formed me. And so I basically got to share my testimony and talk briefly about the God I live for, the people and trials that have shaped me and the joy I live with today. It all seemed trite and I really didn't want to sound preachy and I really really didn't want to sound one bit ashamed either. And so I ended in much more peace than when I walked down those stairs and laughed and smiled at God's sense of humor. So I have absolutely no idea what if any difference that will make on my journey through this program, but I'm so grateful I got to be so upfront and in many ways, my actions will be watched and looked upon. My love, my demeanor, my life is a reflection and I guess God wanted there to be no mistake who it was a reflection of.
And there be my most embarrassing story of the week, hopefully the month! Still blushing that my "art" display was so ashamedly exposed, but so thankful I got to share a little of my story to my cohort this early on our journey.
More thoughts soon...
Love Jules
Ok, so you're all probably thinking this is some bad dream, right? Right??? NO! I am being completely and utterly honest! And so the story continues...
Everyone around me is now making comments like, Oh Julie, what have you done? It was my second time to even come to this class, not that much damage could have been done, truly?! So I walk down to the front and a very eery silence takes place, the professor smiling at me and my class all eyes and ears to what happens next. And with that she turns on the projector and says ok, tell us your story.
Ok, stop there again! Rewind to one week previous when once again we sit in this 8am class to be given sheets of paper and pencils and told that as nurses we need to have a framework that we operate and work by and so lets start by drawing what our own life's framework looks like. Be creative they say, think about what and who makes you who you are and draw something that represents what makes you, you! Ha! If you know anything about me or anybody in my family for that matter, you'll immediately be very afraid because none of us were graciously given any artistic talent, whatsoever. But I didn't seem to care that morning because this was my little drawing, my 8 am drawing, and so I naturally began drawing mountains. They're pretty, easy triangles to draw, and I thought to myself, that's basically my life, a serious of mountains and valleys and you could argue what were the better parts of those journeys. So I doodled for a while and I was thinking to myself it's one of those things we turn in and get to look at when we graduate and snicker at all our big life goals and bad attempts at abstract art!
Ok, you can fast forward to me panicking on stage again. Here I am, facing my class of 70 students, a few professors, and all of a sudden I see with utter horror, my little doodle drawing, up on the big white screen in the big lecture hall. I was stunned, mortified, and even more traumatized when my "sweet" professor told me to explain myself and this picture. What was I thinking?! I don't even remember half the deep thoughts or reasons for my weird picture now, especially when I'm standing in the bright lights. And so I stumbled for words, said a few wows, laughed a little, and proceeded to say something, anything, to break the silence. I tried to at least explain why I chose to draw a bunch of mountains given my background of growing up in them in Montana, but then I got to go much further as I saw and remembered what I had written. At the base camp, the base trail that ran the low lines of the mount, was written, My Faith in Christ, and above the mountains written in bold was, My Joy in Christ. And each mountain held momentous and influential events and people that have formed me. And so I basically got to share my testimony and talk briefly about the God I live for, the people and trials that have shaped me and the joy I live with today. It all seemed trite and I really didn't want to sound preachy and I really really didn't want to sound one bit ashamed either. And so I ended in much more peace than when I walked down those stairs and laughed and smiled at God's sense of humor. So I have absolutely no idea what if any difference that will make on my journey through this program, but I'm so grateful I got to be so upfront and in many ways, my actions will be watched and looked upon. My love, my demeanor, my life is a reflection and I guess God wanted there to be no mistake who it was a reflection of.
And there be my most embarrassing story of the week, hopefully the month! Still blushing that my "art" display was so ashamedly exposed, but so thankful I got to share a little of my story to my cohort this early on our journey.
More thoughts soon...
Love Jules
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Reflections on the "New Girl"
So I've often tried to analyze myself, ask others, and reflect on why I don't appreciate transitions all that much. Not that I am the only one or even probably a minority, but what is so upsetting about moving, starting new adventures, going to new jobs and new schools? Should be a pretty exciting and happy thing, right? Some do thrive on these things so maybe this note is not for you. But I realized that I sincerely love to know others and to be known by them. I love relationships, the giving and receiving and beauty that comes from old friends. These are all uprooted when I move. But my challenge is to not recoil from the new beginnings, but try even harder to be present in my new place and live fully where I've been called.
On that note, the answer to how is my transition to Durham and Duke going?? Aghh!! That's about it. It's new and scary and exciting and really sweet.
The really sweet things: I live in downtown old Durham and I love that I have already discovered that I can walk to my local grocery, the one stop mail shop, the trusted mechanic (yes, my car broke down first day of classes and yes, I once again let go of my cling to money and my pride in how good I was doing with my thriftiness), great coffee shops, and several great neighbors all within a few blocks! I'm still thanking the Lord for this gift of an amazing nursing program to be a part of. And I'm so thankful for my sweet friend Elizabeth and so many other people who've been at my side in this transition, making meals, moving furniture, and giving me the inside scoop about how to live well here.
The challenges: Looks like this program is pretty intense and my body is still adjusting to a busy life. Although I've healed remarkably, I am exhausted after a full day and yes, sometimes I've even questioned if my strength will hold out. But in the next moment I remember that I did barely anything this last year on my own strength and God will continue to remind me of that when I've reached my end. Duke is great, but they expect a lot. Durham is so fun, but it's far away from many beloved friends and family.
If you want to know how to pray please ask the Lord to continue to remind me of His sovereignty and strength as I get weary and overwhelmed, and that I would seek the places and people He would have me invest in. I am quick to despair and quick to retreat. Please ask the Lord with me to change those habits.
I really love hearing little snippets from any of you that have time so please please keep me posted! And may the peace and love of Christ dwell in you richly as we start this new year!
Love Jules
On that note, the answer to how is my transition to Durham and Duke going?? Aghh!! That's about it. It's new and scary and exciting and really sweet.
The really sweet things: I live in downtown old Durham and I love that I have already discovered that I can walk to my local grocery, the one stop mail shop, the trusted mechanic (yes, my car broke down first day of classes and yes, I once again let go of my cling to money and my pride in how good I was doing with my thriftiness), great coffee shops, and several great neighbors all within a few blocks! I'm still thanking the Lord for this gift of an amazing nursing program to be a part of. And I'm so thankful for my sweet friend Elizabeth and so many other people who've been at my side in this transition, making meals, moving furniture, and giving me the inside scoop about how to live well here.
The challenges: Looks like this program is pretty intense and my body is still adjusting to a busy life. Although I've healed remarkably, I am exhausted after a full day and yes, sometimes I've even questioned if my strength will hold out. But in the next moment I remember that I did barely anything this last year on my own strength and God will continue to remind me of that when I've reached my end. Duke is great, but they expect a lot. Durham is so fun, but it's far away from many beloved friends and family.
If you want to know how to pray please ask the Lord to continue to remind me of His sovereignty and strength as I get weary and overwhelmed, and that I would seek the places and people He would have me invest in. I am quick to despair and quick to retreat. Please ask the Lord with me to change those habits.
I really love hearing little snippets from any of you that have time so please please keep me posted! And may the peace and love of Christ dwell in you richly as we start this new year!
Love Jules
Monday, January 9, 2012
My Year of Triumph
The irony of this title is astounding. I could have never guessed if you asked me even 7 months into it how I would label this previous year, but any synonym related to triumph certainly wouldn’t have made the list. To be honest, I questioned and wrestled and cried more “why’s” this year to God than I have in a long time. And to the world’s standards, I had failed, in many tangible ways. I didn’t understand why I was reaping all these consequences after what I thought was a very close walking and talking period with God. I was a Job, sitting in my pity, crying out to God for some sort of answers. Ah, it gives me fresh tears every time I write or think about this because He must have hurt so terribly for his young child that couldn’t possibly understand what He was doing. As I told those around me, I knew with my head that He was still sovereign but all my feelings and all my reality seemed to tell me otherwise. And that is why, as I mentioned earlier, that my prayer this last year was a continual fervent cry to be able to taste and see that He was indeed, still good. And oh, how abundantly did He answer my cries for mercy.
But I want to first say that it’s not just or even because of changing circumstances that I was able to see this year so rich and beautiful. God did more of a work in my heart and after a very long time, I started to learn how it was to possible to give thanks in the dark days. God is not worried, startled, or surprised by our circumstances. He knows them, understands them and still wants our praise. How? For what? This simple mind didn’t get that for a while. But the longer I searched, the more I found that, as I was searching, the more the scales from my eyes were slowly being lifted. I started seeing each day so differently. I no longer compared myself to anybody’s standard’s but Christ’s, which is also pretty daunting but ever so freeing. I no longer saw my day as successful if I had accomplished x, y, or z and maybe all those other like-to’s as well. Especially in college, if you’re not learning something amazing, getting a lot of homework done, or having some great conversation or party, that day was usually pretty lousy. It’s a blessing and a curse of our culture I guess. They’re all pretty great things but none of them decide how worthy we are of Christ or how much we can praise Him that day. And so some of my most contented days became my “time warp” period as I call it, the months I had no job or school but purely preparing for and then recuperating from surgery. I was able to spend however many hours I wanted to read, write and sometimes talk out my many struggles with my faith. But I don’t mean to paint an unreal picture and say it was all fun and relaxing. These were some of my hardest moments, dealing with very real fears related to where my future was headed, my quickly declining health, and strong bouts of loneliness. But I clung tightly to hope each day, to choose joy, to see each day as another sacrifice of praise.
And that is simply why I can say with confidence that I had a great year of triumph. I have come to know God in such a profoundly more intimate way; I could never ask Him to erase all those crummy circumstances. But isn’t it amazing how I got to move to Indiana and live with a best friend?! And isn’t it amazing how I found the most sweetest churches so quickly to be fed and encouraged by?! And isn’t it amazing how when my body finally decided it had enough I was in just the right place, with the perfect doctors and friends to take care of me?! And isn’t it amazing how God orchestrated it to be at just the right hospital where they would erase my massive bill?! And isn't it amazing how I got into one of the best nursing programs in the States?! And isn’t it amazing that after only 12 months in Indiana I left with more dear friends than I think I made in the past 3 years combined?! Isn’t God amazing?! I could not let this year go by without letting you in to this incredible journey and letting you thank the Lord with me, for His unrelenting faithfulness and goodness.
Oh, and as a small side note- a quick update on my last appointment with my surgeon. It was truly bittersweet. So sweet, he let me go free. Free to go about life again as normal, with my usual restrictions with physical activities due to my fragile spine. So sweet that my fusion is working, it’s healing so well and I got a lot of function back that I was losing. I didn’t allow myself to think about what was happening to me before surgery but he let me know how much trouble I could have been in and in what a great state I really am in now! The harder things to swallow was to understand that my arms might just be this way. It’s manageable, just not how I would have liked it to heal. And again hard to see my x-rays and discuss how this was only the beginning of surgeries. As I made a joking remark about how I’d be all fused by the time I was 50 he very seriously told me I’d be very lucky to make it to 50. Oh, I said, well good to know. And so he sent me off and said, you’re free to go! And I replied, Well great, thank you, and I guess I’ll go move on with my life! And that was our farewell. But the great news is I haven’t felt this strong in over a year and I’ve been given a sweet gift of a full life again.
Ok, more to come. I’ll let you know how first days at Duke has been soon and all my fun first beginnings here in Durham! Thank you all for your continued prayer and encouragement. I am truly blessed by so many of you.
Love Julie
Monday, December 5, 2011
I'm sitting in awe
Hi dear friends,
I write to tell you this for one reason only; God's grace has been given so evidently and I know so many of you have been large contributors in prayer with me in this and I simply long to show His glory. Well, I do every day, but more on that later. So I just got home from a little trip to find a letter. It's one of those "change your life" letters and in it, in two simple sentences, the hospital where I had my surgery told me that they have "adjusted my bill to zero" and I owe them nothing. I feel speechless for much words except to say that I am praising the Lord with so much joy tonight. I did not deserve this. I owed my fair share, but my slate has been completely erased and I cannot but think of how this fits into the greater gospel story.
So thank you all so so much for all your prayers and encouragement. I absolutely could not have made it through this alone and I'm amazed at how this year has ended so well. I cannot lie and say that only a few months ago just about everything in life was looking pretty dim. I had no school, no job, no health insurance and my health was degrading quickly. But by God's sufficient grace I sustained an added 6 month health insurance policy, got into an incredible nursing program, and found a great surgeon who has fixed my neck and left me in better condition than I've been in a long time. Some have suggested I could have had much reason for a lot of deserved self-pity recently, but I cannot begin to see with such eyes when I have been given so much. I am so grateful for the faith God's granted me to trust His goodness, dark days or bright.
I do continue to ask you to continue to pray for complete healing of my nerve function, my transition to Duke and even the dealings I have to figure out with the smaller bills still coming in. But in all of this too, I am fully confident that He will continue to show His glory, good health or not, debt or none.
Love Julie
I write to tell you this for one reason only; God's grace has been given so evidently and I know so many of you have been large contributors in prayer with me in this and I simply long to show His glory. Well, I do every day, but more on that later. So I just got home from a little trip to find a letter. It's one of those "change your life" letters and in it, in two simple sentences, the hospital where I had my surgery told me that they have "adjusted my bill to zero" and I owe them nothing. I feel speechless for much words except to say that I am praising the Lord with so much joy tonight. I did not deserve this. I owed my fair share, but my slate has been completely erased and I cannot but think of how this fits into the greater gospel story.
So thank you all so so much for all your prayers and encouragement. I absolutely could not have made it through this alone and I'm amazed at how this year has ended so well. I cannot lie and say that only a few months ago just about everything in life was looking pretty dim. I had no school, no job, no health insurance and my health was degrading quickly. But by God's sufficient grace I sustained an added 6 month health insurance policy, got into an incredible nursing program, and found a great surgeon who has fixed my neck and left me in better condition than I've been in a long time. Some have suggested I could have had much reason for a lot of deserved self-pity recently, but I cannot begin to see with such eyes when I have been given so much. I am so grateful for the faith God's granted me to trust His goodness, dark days or bright.
I do continue to ask you to continue to pray for complete healing of my nerve function, my transition to Duke and even the dealings I have to figure out with the smaller bills still coming in. But in all of this too, I am fully confident that He will continue to show His glory, good health or not, debt or none.
Love Julie
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
My Friend "Ned"
Sorry for the delayed update! I've decided that time is very weird when you're in the long process of recovery, or any long period of down time for that matter. When all of sudden all structure, routine, and normal feelings of energy and wellness are taken away, it's like time goes into a warp and your days somehow fill and your schedule somehow remains fairly deplete. All that to say, I'm in that warp, but I'll share a little how this time has been spent.
So I'm very grateful to say that I've gained a lot more strength than I had pre-surgery and my pain is so much better. I was experiencing all sorts of symptoms including my legs starting to give out on me again like they did way back when (10 years to be exact!). So now I've got all the strength back in my legs and my left arm again... still hoping and praying that the right arm eventually does the same thing. Yes, I'm right handed, and yes, I've tried switching that multiple times, but it's just not natural or comfortable for my brain! And so I continue to hope and try to remain patient in the waiting. (I was forewarned that it could take a while but for some reason I always think I'm going to beat the odds!) And I'm also hoping that my friend, Ned, will leave soon too! That's what my friends and I named the nodule that sits in my throat every day and makes things difficult to talk and my throat sore and hard to swallow. I've moved on from soft foods but I'm not sure that I should have considering how many times I'm choking on my food every day. Medically they call this side-effect, sore throat and dysphagia, but practically, it just means you have a long term cold and you chew your food REALLY well. Some people get their stomachs stapled and others just get spine fusions I guess.
But apart from all my complaints, I must remain grateful. For the first time, we were able to DO something to fix all my issues and I think this was such a great decision. I'm finally able to dream about my future without so much anxiety about how my body will hold up. I am so excited to go back to school soon. January 5th is my first day! I'm working on finalizing housing and school requirements to make the big move to Durham, NC. People often ask me if I'm nervous about the rigorous program at Duke, but I'm honestly more afraid of the culture shock and transition to moving to the South more than anything! I consider myself a good traveler, somewhat of a third-culture kid, and pretty good at adapting in new places, but for some reason I'm more nervous about this one. Kinda funny, I know.
Well if any of my friends have to go through a long period of down time for whatever reason, I would love to tell you how to enjoy your time warp! I've enjoyed everything from reading some of those books on my big list, writing, great walks in this fall season, trying new recipes, and great time spent with friends who've been so gracious to come visit. I've never been good at relaxing well without guilt pains, but I'm really in the process of learning how to live contentedly with or without a schedule to run your day. Although I think I'll have to put myself through a bootcamp to transition back into the life of schedules, school and studying!
Thank you all for all your sweet encouragements and immense amount of prayer in this time. Please continue to pray for full healing, for the financial aid that is pending on my bills, and for continued peace amongst so many things out of my control.
Grace and peace to each of you!
So I'm very grateful to say that I've gained a lot more strength than I had pre-surgery and my pain is so much better. I was experiencing all sorts of symptoms including my legs starting to give out on me again like they did way back when (10 years to be exact!). So now I've got all the strength back in my legs and my left arm again... still hoping and praying that the right arm eventually does the same thing. Yes, I'm right handed, and yes, I've tried switching that multiple times, but it's just not natural or comfortable for my brain! And so I continue to hope and try to remain patient in the waiting. (I was forewarned that it could take a while but for some reason I always think I'm going to beat the odds!) And I'm also hoping that my friend, Ned, will leave soon too! That's what my friends and I named the nodule that sits in my throat every day and makes things difficult to talk and my throat sore and hard to swallow. I've moved on from soft foods but I'm not sure that I should have considering how many times I'm choking on my food every day. Medically they call this side-effect, sore throat and dysphagia, but practically, it just means you have a long term cold and you chew your food REALLY well. Some people get their stomachs stapled and others just get spine fusions I guess.
But apart from all my complaints, I must remain grateful. For the first time, we were able to DO something to fix all my issues and I think this was such a great decision. I'm finally able to dream about my future without so much anxiety about how my body will hold up. I am so excited to go back to school soon. January 5th is my first day! I'm working on finalizing housing and school requirements to make the big move to Durham, NC. People often ask me if I'm nervous about the rigorous program at Duke, but I'm honestly more afraid of the culture shock and transition to moving to the South more than anything! I consider myself a good traveler, somewhat of a third-culture kid, and pretty good at adapting in new places, but for some reason I'm more nervous about this one. Kinda funny, I know.
Well if any of my friends have to go through a long period of down time for whatever reason, I would love to tell you how to enjoy your time warp! I've enjoyed everything from reading some of those books on my big list, writing, great walks in this fall season, trying new recipes, and great time spent with friends who've been so gracious to come visit. I've never been good at relaxing well without guilt pains, but I'm really in the process of learning how to live contentedly with or without a schedule to run your day. Although I think I'll have to put myself through a bootcamp to transition back into the life of schedules, school and studying!
Thank you all for all your sweet encouragements and immense amount of prayer in this time. Please continue to pray for full healing, for the financial aid that is pending on my bills, and for continued peace amongst so many things out of my control.
Grace and peace to each of you!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
And he said, "It Is Good!"
That is what my surgeon was able to say after my incredible surgery. It went very well. At least, that's what I heard he said as I was still out cold in those moments after he finished. But those were some of the first words I remember my dear brother trying to tell me as he desperately tried to wake me up. Apparently drugs have quite the strong affect on me, so come 2 hrs. post-op, I was still fast asleep, apart from the brief moments waking in pain and crying to my dear nurse for help. So Jeff finally grabbed my hand and started whispering sweet encouragements to me, trying to get some form of response. My first memory of all that is him trying to tell me he was there, I was alright, and everything went really well. And my first thought was to please go tell my parents I was ok- I made him leave for a minute to go make a call- but then I took him back to wake me again...
So all that to say, it seems the surgery was a success. Hallelujah! In fact, I was feeling stable enough by late that evening that they let my friends take me home to rest for the night. The first couple days have definitely been a bit rough including some terrible nausea. And let me tell you, vomiting for 12 consecutive hours after recent neck surgery is no fun, whatsoever. But after another trip to the hospital, they settled me down, and I've pretty much been on the mend since then. Now I just have to watch I don't get things lodged in my throat which has happened a few times. It's still pretty difficult to swallow so I'm trying to embrace the broth and smoothies and soups and accept this forced diet as a good thing. And although my voice is scratchy, I've still got one, and so I have to say I'm very grateful.
I've been so well taken care of by people near and far. In a great moment of appreciation, as a friend helped me shower today, I said to her, "Isn't this just how the church should be?! This is great!" I know my family has been very grateful for the friends that have stood in for them, but it's so nice to be able to tell them I'm recovering well. Today was my first really good day. So I pray that every day continues like this and I am up and running like a good 20-something year old should be doing in no time! All the nerve issues haven't healed yet but we all knew that it would take some time for those things to regenerate. But I did say that if I get all my function back, I might just give that surgeon a whopping kiss on the cheek for his good work!
So thank you all for your continued support and prayers. All your sweet encouragements go so far in these long days of recovery. And if any of you have any wonderfully inspiring books or such you think I'd be interested in as I settle in to cabin fever, please let me know!
Love to all,
Jules
Sweet "Muma M"/Peggy and I right before they wheeled me away...
So all that to say, it seems the surgery was a success. Hallelujah! In fact, I was feeling stable enough by late that evening that they let my friends take me home to rest for the night. The first couple days have definitely been a bit rough including some terrible nausea. And let me tell you, vomiting for 12 consecutive hours after recent neck surgery is no fun, whatsoever. But after another trip to the hospital, they settled me down, and I've pretty much been on the mend since then. Now I just have to watch I don't get things lodged in my throat which has happened a few times. It's still pretty difficult to swallow so I'm trying to embrace the broth and smoothies and soups and accept this forced diet as a good thing. And although my voice is scratchy, I've still got one, and so I have to say I'm very grateful.
I've been so well taken care of by people near and far. In a great moment of appreciation, as a friend helped me shower today, I said to her, "Isn't this just how the church should be?! This is great!" I know my family has been very grateful for the friends that have stood in for them, but it's so nice to be able to tell them I'm recovering well. Today was my first really good day. So I pray that every day continues like this and I am up and running like a good 20-something year old should be doing in no time! All the nerve issues haven't healed yet but we all knew that it would take some time for those things to regenerate. But I did say that if I get all my function back, I might just give that surgeon a whopping kiss on the cheek for his good work!
So thank you all for your continued support and prayers. All your sweet encouragements go so far in these long days of recovery. And if any of you have any wonderfully inspiring books or such you think I'd be interested in as I settle in to cabin fever, please let me know!
Love to all,
Jules
Sweet "Muma M"/Peggy and I right before they wheeled me away...
Friday, October 14, 2011
This Day, too, the Lord Has Made!
As I wait for the sun to rise on this morning, I'm admittedly both a little anxious but profoundly at peace. I can't even imagine what people go through who have multiple surgeries with higher risks than this all the time. But the only thing that gives me peace this early morning is to remember the Lord's promises and His faithfulness thus far. He has been so good. I guess you could say God's sovereignty has a whole new perspective for me this morning. This day has been 10 years in the waiting and as I reflect on that journey, I could never have orchestrated it like He has. It's been wonderful. The road has definitely been pretty hard and for a long time I couldn't grasp God's goodness. But today my faith can cling to His promises and trust His love.
So as you pray today, please thank Him for his goodness and ask Him for His mercy. I already feel completely surrounded with love from all over the world, and so I pray this morning with so many, a great cloud of witnesses, ready to face the day.
Surgery is scheduled for 11am, eastern time. I can't wait to tell you how much better I feel after this is all over!!
May the peace of Christ be with you all today!
So as you pray today, please thank Him for his goodness and ask Him for His mercy. I already feel completely surrounded with love from all over the world, and so I pray this morning with so many, a great cloud of witnesses, ready to face the day.
Surgery is scheduled for 11am, eastern time. I can't wait to tell you how much better I feel after this is all over!!
May the peace of Christ be with you all today!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
The Day of Anticipation
So I nervously and excitedly can say that I have a date scheduled for the big day. D-day, day of a new beginning, day of great anticipation and a small amount of trepidation is October 14th. But the beautiful thing is God has worked out the details so wonderfully and given me great peace about the end decision. I was able to get two of the surgeons I was seeing to communicate and come to an agreement on what to do. Let me tell you that I'm pretty sure that is a first since this whole journey started! And the other great piece is it's actually a lot less extensive than we all originally thought it was going to be. That is, we've chosen to do a smaller surgery at this point and wait some more before we're forced to do more. So for those interested I'm having a one level fusion at C3&4 going in anteriorally. I was able to find a great spine surgeon here in Indy so I don't have to make any trips to Virginia and I'll have the blessing of recuperating at home. And although it takes several months for the joint to actually fuse and become strong, I'll hopefully be up and around fairly quick. I am very motivated as I'm supposed to start school in January!
If there is a theme for this year I would have to strongly say, God is good. Not in that I've had the best year of my life and I'm so thankful kind of way. Rather, it's been a lot of trials, a lot of ah-huh moments where I've been given the grace of perspective on life. Everyone will always tell you that their greatest seasons of maturing and growth were in their trials, not in their triumphs. And yet how much do we want to run when we experience hardship? How much do we hate to be pushed so far that we think it unfair that we should have to go through this? I am not exempt from these feelings and yet if anything, I've been released from so much fear of those big risks and trials that seem too big... because of God's great goodness. And so I encourage you all to rejoice with me in God's mercy on my life.
I would greatly appreciate your continued prayer and encouragement as I near this time. Please specifically be praying for continued peace, strong health leading up to my operation and reliance on the Lord when my fears of things going wrong and interrupting my future plans become oppressive.
Grace and peace,
Julie
If there is a theme for this year I would have to strongly say, God is good. Not in that I've had the best year of my life and I'm so thankful kind of way. Rather, it's been a lot of trials, a lot of ah-huh moments where I've been given the grace of perspective on life. Everyone will always tell you that their greatest seasons of maturing and growth were in their trials, not in their triumphs. And yet how much do we want to run when we experience hardship? How much do we hate to be pushed so far that we think it unfair that we should have to go through this? I am not exempt from these feelings and yet if anything, I've been released from so much fear of those big risks and trials that seem too big... because of God's great goodness. And so I encourage you all to rejoice with me in God's mercy on my life.
I would greatly appreciate your continued prayer and encouragement as I near this time. Please specifically be praying for continued peace, strong health leading up to my operation and reliance on the Lord when my fears of things going wrong and interrupting my future plans become oppressive.
Grace and peace,
Julie
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
The Long Awaited Surgery
So for the past several months I’ve been slowly becoming more aware of the fact that I am going to finally have to have a long awaited surgery done on my cervical spine. Although there are definitely more complicated surgeries out there, it’s definitely not a small one. I’ll let you know exactly what it ends up being when I know, but recovery will most likely be a couple months and I’m already trying to mentally and physically prepare for this time! It’s a surgery I’ve been putting off ever since my initial accident nearly 10 years ago! So, praise God I’ve been given 10 years of not too many complications, but the time has come to do something more. Ugh, everything in me wants to fight it, wish it away, but that’s a bit childish, I know. So the update as of today is I’m working on finding the right surgeon with the right opinion. Believe it or not, but I just have one of those conditions where you can line up about 10 different surgeons and they’re all probably going to suggest to me something slightly different. It’s rather frustrating for simple-minded me to then wisely decipher who to trust to cut me open, but I’m not in this alone. I’ve had some wonderful friends here in Indy that have been a tremendous help in making these decisions and of course my family is never short on giving advice either!
So at this point, I’ve been in contact and have an appointment set up with a surgeon in Charlottesville, Virginia that I had seen as a teenager when he was working in Seattle. And my other option is one here in Indy that I’m hoping to see soon. This latest one will be my fourth opinion and hopefully my last. So depending on which surgeon I go with, I’m hoping to make the surgery date somewhere between October 1st and November 1st. But logistics aside, I guess my main concern is that I am able to make a wise decision on the right surgery with the right surgeon. And although I do gratefully have health insurance, I will still have to foot a percentage of this whole ordeal. So there are many things I am forced to remain dependent on God for at this point. But I’m also writing all this because I think that one primary way He provides is through His Church, through you all. Your support thus far in my life has been invaluable in my life and I would thank you each so much for your continued prayer as I continue this path God has allowed for me.
Welcome Friends!
Hello dear friends!
If there’s one thing I’ve come to realize this year, it’s that I have a wonderful blessing of having friends and family from the ends of the earth and beyond, and it’s quite a challenge to keep all those communities updated in one period of time. And usually that’s ok. My generation has been spoiled by the amount of communication we are able to maintain with friends and family who don’t live nearby. But in other cases, when big events arise, it’s nice to be able to keep everyone in the loop, and so here goes my attempt to bring something like that to fruition. As some of you might have heard, I've got a big spine surgery coming up soon and so this blog is my attempt to try to keep you all updated through the process.
I find it fitting to name this blog Taste and See for two reasons. After the amount of ups and downs I had already experienced after the first 5 months of this year, I came to a very fragile point with the Lord. I knew that logically and rationally I could trust His goodness, but emotionally and spiritually I was so afraid and felt so distant from that truth. And He did a beautiful thing with my faith, but part of that was a prayer that I haven’t stopped praying which is from Ps. 34:8 which says, “Oh taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is He who takes refuge in Him!” I started fervently praying, asking the Lord, that I would be able to taste and see His goodness. This fragile and weak faith I had needed to be reminded of His steadfast love, and He has been so faithful. There’s nothing more beautiful than being so dependent on His love that you cannot help but see His works in your daily life.
And the other side of this Taste and See blog is, if anybody knows me for just a few months they will know that I have a special bond with kitchens. When I reach the kitchen, I have found my happy place, a place to think, a place to create, and a place to escape when the world’s problems just seem too big to handle. And so you should not only expect to taste and see God’s goodness in my updates but hopefully you’ll gain some tasty recipes of sorts as well and who knows what else… :)
And so I warmly welcome you to my journey this year. I hope to keep you updated as things progress with my surgery and as I begin a new life down in Durham, North Carolina as I get to start nursing school at Duke very soon! And I hope you don’t mind if I throw in some random blogs of my thoughts and meditations in between.
My latest update on surgery will soon follow…
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